My own "Too Drunk to Call story" and a nice parlay.
Mrs. Diablo and I were in the Harrahs Laughlin during the last Kentucky Derby. We decided to check out the race, but got to the sportsbook a bit early. We figured that we better get there early to get a seat as it's pretty small and gets packed pretty early.
We get there, get two seats and a few horse guides for each of the tracks we'll be watching and sit down. The Mrs. is going through the Horses and I'm just enjoying my first beer of the day when....WHAAAP!!! The Mrs. found a sweet horse...."My Trusty Cat". Now I'm sure none of you know this but we have two 13 year old Diabetic cats. Yep 2 cats and both Diabetic. We have to shoot them with insulin 2x a day and yes, Virginia, it IS a pain in the ass. Since our cats are not trusty, and we are the King/Queen of irony and sarcasm, of course we sprinted to the window. The Mrs bet $3 each to Win and Show, and your hero decided to not be a pussy (not that she was)and go $10 each on win/show.
Now, up until the race started the room was pretty quiet with a lot of handicappers and semi pro horse dudes, but with us in the room it was only a matter of time until the riotous laughter ensued. We were laughing our asses off when the race started....."they're Running"......our bag of glue starts off a bit slow, prompting me to start cheering him on with the ever popular "Cmon, you big fucking bag of Dog Food, RUN!!!" Of course long story short, the bastard won by three lengths. Damn I love that horse, a very exciting 2 minutes. Even now it brings tears to my eyes. The wonderful, strong, and beautiful beast paid roughly $ 147 total on my bets, and I believe $ 60 something on the Mrs' bets.
Much giddyness ensues, with laughter unstoppable at this point. All handicappers (except one) instantly start asking
"how did you get that winner" to which our response is "we bet him because he thinks he's a fucking cat, and they're fast, right???No one told him he wasn't a cat" Their response is much like the one you give your wife when she wins the Super Bowl pool by choosing the team with the prettiest helmets, except the guy to our left who waits til they sit down and whispers in my ear "always bet a horse with cat in it's name, it's a great bloodline" I respond to this with "yeah, the sonofabitch thinks he's a fucking Cat!!!". He wasn't amused.
Needless to say we laughed our ass off for the next few minutes literally not able to breathe, when in the corner of my eye, I see a beautiful thing. All my wife sees is me jumping out of my chair and running to the counter. She's a bit scared and asks me what the hell that was about. I respond "Belmont-fifth race, Ten Dollars on number 3 to win straight up----IT'S A LOCK!!". As she looks up at the screen, the race starts....the horse you ask? "Spongebob Horsepants". You know I have to bet that. More hilarity ensues when we start screaming again "cmon Horsepants, you bastard!!!!" Lets just say he went wire to wire and as I recall he paid $ 86.50. Wacky horses are my bag, baby.
Two months later, we're in the same sportsbook and to make a long story short, I won another $46 on a Mule Named "Blinky". We didn't realize it was a Mule race until we saw the bastard come out of the gate. Of course I initiated the yelling once again...."come on Blinky, you magnificent Donkey Bastard!!!". The lovely Mrs. Diablo points out that it is in fact a Mule, BUT I am in no way persuaded to not yell "Go Donkaaayy" in my worst Shrek voice.
The morale of this story is that it's always +EV to drink early, often, and bet on the Mule!!
Diablo Blanco
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment